Death is unavoidable. It gets every single one of us eventually. So why are we so afraid to talk about it and why don’t we have “choices” when it comes to our own death?
Sometimes death shows up unexpectedly, robbing you of precious years with family and friends. For those left behind, it leaves no time to prepare for the overwhelming sadness and grief that accompanies it. Other times, death comes about slowly—and is often accompanied with tremendous amounts of unbearable pain and suffering.
Anyone who has watched a loved one die knows how hard it is to see that person lose his or her strength and abilities over time. But what about the person who’s suffering? How do they feel? As my athletic, 6’2” father wasted away to bones, I realized it wasn’t nearly as hard on me as it was on him. He felt as though he lost his dignity a good portion of the last 9 months of his life. As he struggled through chemo and became too weak to walk, he hated the “burden” he felt he had become. My mom was the most amazing caregiver—staying incredibly strong for him during this very difficult time, but it didn’t change the way he felt.
My mother-in-law, Josie, is gravely ill. She has a condition called Lewy Body Disease which not only has ravaged her body, it has stolen her mind. Her emaciated frame has become extremely rigid making things we take for granted impossible—like touching your face or rolling over in bed. Although she’s receiving the best care possible, she merely exists. She has no quality of life—no happiness, no joy, no communication. Recently, in one of her rare moments of clarity, she said “This is no way to live.” As my husband kissed her and wiped away his and her tears, all he could do was tell her how much he loved her. Sadly, there’s nothing more we can do to ease her suffering.
I recently read an interesting article about a woman who was diagnosed with a terminal illness at the age of 82. She had been a healthy woman her entire life, enjoying children, grandchildren and many wonderful life experiences. But when she realized that the last 6-7 months of her life on earth was going to be sheer hell, full of excruciating pain and sickness, she decided to take matters into her own hands. She said goodbye to her friends and spent quality time with everyone in her family…then stopped eating and drinking.
After 1 or 2 days, she was no longer hungry or thirsty. A few days later, she said the most peaceful feeling washed over her. She wasn’t suffering in any way at all. After 12 days, she died quietly—with dignity and on her own terms.
When people who are terminally ill make this decision, they don’t experience “starvation” like a healthy person would. After about a day without food or water, the body produces it’s very own natural painkiller. Hunger disappears and the person often experiences a slight sense of “euphoria”. The lack of fluids can actually help decrease certain symptoms such as bloating, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea. The only uncomfortable part of the process is that the mouth gets very dry. The woman’s daughter eased her “dry mouth” with ice chips, lip balm and swabbing the mouth with water a few times a day.
I often wonder how much suffering Dad could have avoided had he chosen to say good-bye on his own terms. Mom and I both agree that if he’d known he had a choice, he would have left us a few months earlier—and who could blame him?
Is it possible that one day we will be able to choose compassion over suffering for our terminally ill loved ones?
Perhaps it’s time you had an honest conversation with yourself about how you’d like to die—and talk openly with your family about this very important topic.
Please share your views and experiences with us on this difficult subject.
Stay well,
Molly
this was a easy to read and well written article Molly. for your next workshop or seminar that you have coming up, you might want to consider expanding it to a more holistic approach for women and tie it in somehow to what you do. could be pretty cool!!
When a family faces these circumstances, it’s very hard on everybody. Helping people during these difficult times is not only necessary but at the same time, very comforting. Hope everyone knows about you…and everything you do for all of us who need you. Thanks for your comment.
Thank You, Molly. My mother and I took care of both my dad and her father in the dying process at home. Both gentle men stopped eating at the end. Her advice to me was simple: “Keep him moist on the top and dry on the bottom.”
Hi Tina:
It’s difficult to be the caregiver–as you’ve done on more than one occasion. It’s also difficult to be the person dying as you know. Thanks for your comment…and hope you and Dick are both happy and well. Miss you and hope to see you in March.
Molly, I think that we should have a say in the way we exit this world. I also think that there is a fine line between helping someone leave with dignity and murder. At least the courts might see it that way. I know from personal experience that when we try to keep our loved one alive beyond what is natural we are being selfish and are doing so for ourselves. Look at the stories of people keeping comatose spouses alive. It just isn’t fair to them. Every soul deserves peace.
Thanks Biana. It’s a difficult subject and there are many points of views and religious differences on this subject matter. After working in a retirement facility for a number of years while I was in grad school, I saw too many times when people were kept alive–even though they did not want to continue living. One time a woman sobbed on my shoulder and told me that she couldn’t even remember who her husband was before he got sick. She could only remember him lying in a bed, wearing a diaper, weighing less than half of his prime body weight, unable to communicate. It’s a sad situation for everyone involved.
Thought of you when I read this. Barbara
Hi Kathleen:
Thanks for your comment…I’m not sure who Barbara is but know she must have gone through a difficult time. I hope she’s finding peace and comfort now.
Molly
Personally, I am not ready yet because I am feeling so good. I wholeheartedly believe that this is a subject that must be discussed with your family. Decisions are so difficult at the end stages of life and if they know what you want, hopefully, it will be a little easier.
I also believe that as much of the paper work should be in place for them.
It’s a difficult subject to bring up and discuss with your family…but very important. At the very least, it’s essential that everyone has a living will…even if you’re only 25 years old and feel invincible. It’s important that your family knows YOUR wishes in a life-threatening situation. Thanks so much for the comment…
What a very interesting subject. I know my father would have taken this route if he had known about it. When my sister was sick she went on a 45 day fast but continued on water. She did not last long after that but it shows the power of water. Sorry to hear about Frank’s Mum. Give him a big hug from me.
I know this is a topic people don’t want to hear about…but I think it’s one that’s very important. Thanks for your comment…will give Frank a hug right now.
Many of you reading this article may not know that I lost my mother on December 16th, 2010 at 11 PM in Abington hospital surrounded by her children and grandchildren. She died with dignity, respect, peace, and without pain. Please know what your loved ones want in life and honor their wish even if it may not be your desire. I did want this for my mother after seeing my father die over a three month period of time this could not occur again for many reasons. Excellent article Molly.
Lynnie:
We are so very sorry for the loss of your mom. As you know, I wrote this article before your mom got to the hospital so the timing was eerie. For anyone who’s been through the process you went through with your dad, they certainly understand. For others, who have not yet had to witness this, they may not understand. I believe in compassion and dignity…as you do.
May time bring peace and ease your pain.
With lots of love,
Molly
Beautifully expressed, Molly. Death, similar to birth, should be celebrated and rejoiced. Pain and suffering is never pleasant for loved ones or especially for the one who is dying. However, spending precious time with my dear friend, Christine who passed from pancreatic cancer, I realized how beautiful death can be; truly God’s way of opening the welcome door to eternity.
Hi Lynne-
Thanks for your thoughtful comments. It’s a very tough situation for everyone…as you pointed out. Showing love and compassion is all we can do….Stay well 🙂